I’m having a moment, so pardon the little rant but here I am at age 39 and at times I feel all washed up, it’s ridiculous I know! I see young professionals on the rise, excited as they begin down their selected career paths and as I remember how it felt, I long to feel that way again! I made choices that have guided me to where I am today and so far I don’t regret those choices but it doesn’t mean it’s always easy and lately, despite friends and family who tell me how happy I seem, it’s been more difficult than it appears! I’m stoic, I’m stubborn, I’m a perfectionist, I rarely ask for help but I’m asking for it now…just by putting it out here! I try not to be negative, I leave myself open to possibilities…I invite the universe to show me new directions, I am grateful, I am social, well educated, creative, talented, kind, up for a challenge and I rise to the occasion but occasionally it all gets me down!
This is a little longer than usual but I felt compelled to write and if you don’t read it, that’s just fine…This little rant really started a few years ago when I made the big leap to leave a corporate job with a company that was un-loyal and who’s morals and ethics were no longer in alignment with what I wanted for my life and my career. My old job no longer gave me joy, a sense of accomplishment, challenge or creative fulfillment and I knew my days were numbered even before I realized what was happening. Since then I’ve taken time to re-examine what I want out of the rest of my life. I’ve attended art classes, ate well, fed my creative spirit, talked with therapists, coaches and friends, read “self help” and career guidance books, went deeper into my yoga practice, looked to spiritual council, meditated, grieved the loss all three of my beloved kitties, moved to a new state near the ocean where I can take more frequent walks on the beach AND throughout all of this I’ve come to some pretty important discoveries about myself! I’m much more flexible and adaptive than I ever gave myself credit for. I am an IDEA person, I have so many ideas for ways I want to contribute to this world but I’ve learned that not every one of these ideas is one I should personally be pursuing. Some I just have to let go of in order to find my focus.
While re-discovering myself I continued to “look” for work, weather it be full time employment, freelance design work or a whole new career direction. I’ve dabbled with all of the above, taking the time to travel to NYC for one particular interview with a wonderful designer who I could really see myself being an asset for. Or there was another company who wanted my expertise but was too cheap to pay for my GAS to drive one state over for in interview! Why would any company take the time and cost associated with interviewing people and not follow up! I know I’ve stretched, reached for the best, the clients who I believed I would be in alignment with, not too big, not too small…clients who’s ethics were strong, who treated people like people and who valued individuals for their total contributions (the whole package so to speak). BUT it doesn’t feel like it’s working and it has me wondering…
What have I gotten in return? Maybe I’ve learned valuable lessons that my personal sense of judgement is WAY off base? Maybe it’s that my own personal stories are getting in my own way…or maybe I’m struggling because I’ve become too “exclusive”. Maybe it’s time to get out of my own way, unlearn my own stories and find more!
I know that these jobs were not-meant-to-be, for me, the way the interviews were handled told me more about these companies than any words spoken or website could possibly present. I will not lower my standards, I still long to find my tribe, the people who I can best serve! I will manifest clients who care about how they effect the world in everything they do, say and make and in so doing they will light my fire! I will collaborate to create and facilitate beauty and order.
Failures and rejections hurt but they teach us important lessons about ourselves (and others)! I will continue to reach for and create the next opportunities to shine my light. I will ask for help, leave myself open to GOD (Good Orderly Direction), I won’t listen to the fear or limitations-I will daydream, continue to be flexible and move forward because there is no other option. I will SOAR!
PS. Did you know that yesterday/today is the Transit of Venus? Check it out, this is a significant day for introspection and for finding balance of the physical and spiritual worlds!